In 2018, I stopped wearing makeup because the man I was dating said I had an unhealthy need for social validation. (It's hard to read those words now and not set things on fire, in case you're wondering how I'm doing). But back then, keeping pace with LA's beautiful people had burned me out. Even at midnight, the local grocery - dubbed "Rock & Roll Ralphs" because the female patrons toddled down the aisle in four-inch stilettos and latex - was a pickup scene. After 15 years of that, ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ dude's misogyny somehow landed as permission to relax. A kindness. LOL It took many moons to return to my senses and realize that getting dolled up was never about them. It's about me. It's my confidence ritual. It's like doing power poses before a big presentation. Or listening to your Happiness Playlist on the way to a job interview. Or crafting an Accomplishments Board for a constant visual reminder of your own badassery. Looking good leads to feeling good. And wanting to feel good is not a flaw. That's why when I heard the term glamour vampire this week (British spelling because it's cooler), it was like a record scratch. Say more . . . my brain said, as it backed away from all other distractions to train its attention on the concept. Everyone online is always talking about "full-body f*ck yeahs," and that's what hearing this word was for me. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but vivid mental pictures make me think I might have a good idea. And it feels like the turned-up, turned-on embodiment of the person I denied for so many years. I imagine glamour vampires dress to the nines, always putting their best foot forward. I imagine they look bored. Because looking bored is chic. Alternatively, they might look blissfully drunk on the blood of their enemies. I imagine if glamour vampires did a brand photo shoot, customers would show up in droves. So the question becomes how can an ordinary human with sleep wrinkles who doesn't own a white pantsuit or have access to a toga-wearing 28-year-old get the same effect? The answers are in this week's article, How to Get the Brand Photo Shoot of Your Dreams. It turns out you don't have to be a glamour vampire to look like one. And that's good news because the upkeep is exhausting, yoga pants are the best and blood tastes like rusty nails. |
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โIn for four, hold for four, out for four,โ the girl at the checkout counter said, not even looking up from the cheekies she was scanning. It was both comforting and unsettling that someone having a panic attack in line at Victoriaโs Secret seemed like just another Tuesday to her. I donโt know what burnout looks like for other people. For me, it looked like trying to pretend I wasnโt having a heart attack while buying underwear. It meant sobbing uncontrollably when a sparrow collided with the...
When my best friend was 10 years old, his mom washed his mouth out with soap. It's not the act itself that made a lasting impression, though. It's the fact that in the middle of his punishment, the phone rang. With a stern warning to my bestie not to move a muscle, she went to answer it. My friend waited obediently, drool coursing down his chin onto his t-shirt, crying silent tears for five minutes. Then ten. Then twenty. It took her other son tugging at her sleeve, eyes wide with pity for...
I know what you're thinking, Reader. Who's this stranger in my house? And by house, I mean inbox. And by stranger, I mean someone who looks a lot like an old friend who's "had some work done." And you wouldn't be wrong; there's been a major overhaul in this corner of the Internet. Only it didn't require a scalpel and six month's salary. My brand, Jennie O'Connor Creative, got a facelift. From the rebranded newsletter you see above ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ๐๐ผ To the retired podcast, the best episodes of which will...